


Knockin' On Heaven's Door

by victimofthebbc



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Destiel - Freeform, Ficlet, M/M, Sad Dean, Season 5ish, Written through floods of tears, goodbye fic, sufficiently vague tags, what context
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2018-01-16 02:35:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1328725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victimofthebbc/pseuds/victimofthebbc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has to say goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Knockin' On Heaven's Door

Dean held Cas in him arms, regardless of the rocks digging into his legs through is jeans.

 

_"Ma take this badge of a' me"_

 

The angel's face was frighteningly pale and his eyes were only half open, deep cobalt blue half-spheres.

 

_"I can't use it anymore"_

 

His torso rested on Dean's crossed legs, his own legs twisted to the side, and Dean's arms were wrapped around his trench-coated shoulders, holding him half sitting up.

 

_"It's getting dark, too dark to see."_

 

"Dean..." Castiel's whisper was so faint Dean was barely able to distinguish it from the soft breeze that lifted strands of unruly dark hair off the angel's forehead.

 

_"I feel I'm knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

Dean swallowed and answered in a voice that was far too hoarse. "Yeah Cas?"

 

_"Knock knock knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

Dean let Castiel lie back a bit more so he could see his face. The normally piercing blue was somehow distant and dull but entirely focused on Dean's face.

 

_"Knock knock knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

"You have to win." As he spoke, Castiel's gaze roamed over Dean's cheekbones, nose and lips, as if he were catalouging every angle of the hunter's face.

 

_"Ma put my guns in the ground."_

 

"I don't know-" Dean's voice was broken. "-if we can."

 

_"I can't shoot them anymore."_

 

"No." Cas shook his head, exhaling sharply as the movement twisted his chest. " _You_ have to."

Dean shook his head, trying to dislodge the burning constriction in his throat.

 

_"That long black cloud is coming down."_

 

"I can't do it alone Cas, especially now you're-" Dean choked on the words. His eyes never left Castiel's as he gritted his teeth and ignored the prickling beginning in his eyes.

 

_"I feel I'm knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

Castiel just smiled as small smile, the one Dean only saw after he vistied the autistic man's eternal Tuesday afternoon, or after Dean taught him how to use another insignificant human appliance. But it was very small indeed and it didn't reach his eyes through all the sadness building up there.

"You misunderstand me Dean."

 

_"Knock knock knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

"I mean you must win because it cannot be any other way." Castiel's gaze was weak but steady, willing Dean to hear him. "I raised your soul from Perdition, from the gore and horror of the Pit."

 

_"Knock knocking knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

Dean stared at Castiel through blurred vision. "I pulled you out and healed your body but I didn't heal your soul. Do you know why?" A small head shake and a mirrored tear fell free.

"Because I didn't need to. It was perfect."

 

_"Knock knock knocking on Heaven's door."_

 

"You, a human like any other, went to Hell but unlike any other when you returned your soul was unmarked, you were whole." Castiel's eyes unfocused and started drifting over Dean's shoulder, sending a thrill of panic through him.

"My soul was unmarked?" Cas's eyes snapped back to Dean's and Dean pulled the angel a little closer. "Cas I was anything but whole when you dragged me outta the Pit. I-" His voice failed and Dean swallowed thickly. "I broke, Cas. I broke and I gave up and I was still broken when you brough me back."

"Your spirit yes, but never your soul. I'd seen countless souls before the one I gripped tight." Cas lifted his hand to rest it lightly on Dean's shoulder over the brand seared there. "But never one so beautiful. Never one so essentially good." Castiel's eyes flicked back to Dean's face and Dean met his gaze. "There was a reason you were the Righteous Man, Dean Winchester."

Dean choked back a sob. Everyone left him in the end. What good was his beautiful soul when he couldn't even save the people he cared about. He tucked his chin into his chest and squeezed his eys shut, blocking out the pain and ignoring the harsh sounds his breath was making as it heaved in and out of his chest.

Castiel's hand moved up Dean's shoulder hesitantly to touch his jaw lightly. Dean look up at the touch with red rimmed eyes.

"And that's why you have to win. Becasue you are good, Dean. And no matter who you fight with, no matter who you are with, that will persevere and triumpth. You will survive and win, there can be no other ending."

Pain washed through Dean as much he tried to push it down. "You'll be there to see it, right?" He tried for his usual cocky smirk but his tear streaked face couldn't quite manage it.

Cas's lips quirked in response as his fingertips traced Dean's jawline up to his ear and his thumb brushed the swell of his cheekbone. "No Dean, I won't be."

 

The words struck Dean like a blow to the gut and he struggled to breathe. Cas just continued to map out his face with his fingertips, like he was memorising its shape. "This is goodbye I think."

 

Something snapped inside Dean. "Please Cas, stay."

 

Castiel looked up at Dean, the stars reflected in his eyes and smiled. "Okay."

 

So Dean held Castiel close to his chest listening to the angel breathe, feeling the rise and fall of his ribcage. A hundred or two hundred or a thousand breaths later, Castiel's hand dropped from Dean's face. Dean leaned back to see Castiel's face and found his eyes already growing more distant.

"Cas?" He growled, shaking him. Castiel's gaze met Dean's and he sighed.

"It's time."

Dean couldn't speak, couldn't think, so he just pressed his forehead to Castiel's and breathed with him. Then he lifted his head and looked Cas in the eye.

"I'll see you on the other side." Castiel smiled again.

"Not for a long time, but sometime, yes. I'll see you again."

Dean stared at the angel who fought for him, fell for him and who loved him. Dean's gaze travelled over Castiel's face and leant in slowly. He brushed the lightest of touches to Cas's lips with his own and Cas tilted his chin up to press them closer together. Castiel's lips were cold and dry and sent a shiver through Dean like a wind unhindered by even the thickest layers.  He pulled back to look at Cas. _Thank you_ , _I'll miss you_ and finally _I love you_. Not a sound but his last words to Castiel were everything he wanted to say. Cas blinked back. _I know_.

Dean leant forward and kissed him again. Castiel breathed out and Dean breathed in and after Cas's chest fell still, Dean held his last breath in his lungs. He sat there for a thousand turns of the earth and stared up at the stars and the moon above him. He sat and he stared up and then he released Castiel's last breath.

 

"I'll see you again."

 

And he sat with shadows and under the velvety blackness of the sky studded with shards of light. Dean just sat in the middle of a crossroads with dust caked on his jeans and his angel cradled in his arms.

 

**Author's Note:**

> First SPN fic, we'll see how this goes...


End file.
